


The Reason

by JackJaeAlways



Category: GOT7, K-pop
Genre: Developing Relationship, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, M/M, Physical Abuse, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-13
Updated: 2019-06-08
Packaged: 2019-06-26 22:34:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15672642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JackJaeAlways/pseuds/JackJaeAlways
Summary: Choi Youngjae is in a relationship he can't escape, even though he is a pro at escaping in his mind. His life is a routine and although he is unhappy..he doesn't seem to have a real reason to leave..that is until he meets Jackson.





	1. The Beginning

_The room slowly came back into focus and he tells himself to calm down. Youngjae hated getting so upset that his vision blurred and it felt like he couldn’t breathe. Locked away in his bathroom, sprawled out on the floor he tries to normalize his breathing. Snot smeared into his hair and his lips are salty from tears. He pushes up with his hands from the floor and stands to look at himself in the mirror. Youngjae tries rationalizing that he is once again overreacting, that it’s not that bad-there’s been worse but he knows he is losing himself again. After a few splashes of water on his face and he forces a smile brightly into the mirror-a smile he has perfected through the years. Love isn’t supposed to be easy._  
  
  
  
  
The air outside had finally cooled off because of the overcast. Youngjae quietly wished for rain or better yet a thunderstorm. He slips on his book bag and briskly walks to the library doors. It’s the weekend and he needs a break so he heads off to the one place he knows he can escape.  
Smiling at the librarian, Youngjae climbs his way up to the second floor and lets out a sigh when he notices his usual spot in the back corner is taken. There in one of the two over-sized corduroy chairs is a boy reading something he can’t make out. Youngjae stands awkwardly trying to decide if he should just find a corner on the floor or maybe brave the busy downstairs for a place to sit but part of him is drawn to who this boy is and why he is in his escape.  
Bracing his bag onto his shoulder Youngjae moves forward and slowly slides into the opposing chair. The boy doesn’t even look up. He pulls out his sketching book and leans back into the chair. Pencil quietly tapping the empty page, Youngjae lets his eyes wander to the boy across from him. He is around his age, bleached blonde hair, and wearing an over-sized hoodie with jeans. He can’t help but notice his jaw line and how pink his lips are.  
  
Youngjae doesn’t even realize it but his hand has started to trace out this boy's features on his page. Youngjae mentally saves how he looks into his brain and tears his eyes away from him to focus on the sketch instead. The only sound between them is their breathing, his pencil running across the page, and the distant murmurs of others downstairs. Youngjae looks at his drawing, pleased with the result but upset that he can’t get a good view of the boys eyes. He huffs and a bit and adjusts in his chair trying to take him all in. Immediately they lock eyes. When they do Youngjae feels his heart beating in every surface of his body. His eyes are dark but soft. They look like they hold secrets that Youngjae needs to know.  
  
“Do you always leave your jaw open like that when meeting new people?” He asks with a small grin starting to spread across his face. Youngjae nervously laughs which comes out a lot louder than he intended. He quickly brings up his hand to cover his mouth from embarrassment and drops his pencil to the ground. Youngjae bends down to pick it up only to be beat to the task. The boy has already grabbed the pencil and is holding it out to him. Hurriedly Youngjae takes it and thanks him. The boy has now noticed the sketch pad in his lap.  
  
“Is that me?” He asks leaning over into Youngjae’s lap to look. Youngjae gasps a bit at his closeness and nods his head, angling the drawing to where he can see. “You’re really talented. Can I have this?” He asks.  
Youngjae tears the drawing carefully out and hands it to him. “Hey, you have to sign it at least!” Youngjae forces a smile and quickly scribbles his name in the corner.  
  
“Youngjae.” He says softly. “I like that.” He winks at Youngjae before grabbing his things and heading off. “See you around, Youngjae!”


	2. Dreamin'

It’s been two weeks since Youngjae saw the boy in the library. Youngjae knows this because he has went back to the library almost every day hoping to run into the blonde.   
After another unsuccessful trip he walks up to his door and begins to dig for his keys. He jumps when the door flies open. Jaeseop stands in the doorway and already looks like he is a couple drinks in.   
  
“Where have you been?” He growls pulling in Youngjae by the collar of his jacket and then slamming the door.   
  
“The library. I just needed to return some books.” Youngjae says a little more shrill than he wanted.   
  
Jaeseop lets go of him and rolls his eyes before heading into the living room to flop himself on the couch. Youngjae slowly removes his bag and coat, catching his reflection in the hall mirror. He recognizes the fear that is flashed in his eyes and the guilt that is heavy in his jaw. He should have stayed home today. Going to the library as much as he had this week was pushing it. Jaeseop doesn’t say much of anything else to Youngjae while he sorts laundry and heats up something for dinner. He had hoped to be home before Jaeseop so he would have all this done first. He knows Jaeseop works long hours and he knows what he expects in his home.   
  
When Youngjae heads to bed he tries to kiss Jaeseop goodnight but he is just brushed away. He climbs the stairs to his room and stands in the doorway looking at the oversized bed that he sleeps in alone. He hates sleeping alone, Jaeseop knows this, and that’s why he does it. Buried under a mountain of covers Youngjae holds back tears. This is the life he chose. He made this commitment. He made Jaeseop this way. He knows what he did and now he must pay. Youngjae breathes in deeply and closes his eyes. He falls asleep to a dream about a blonde boy in an oversized chair.


	3. Running On Empty

Youngjae rolls over and shields the sunlight from his eyes. He reaches for his phone to check the time. 10:03am. He groans because he overslept, again. After deciding he didn’t need to waste time with a shower he throws on a baseball hat to hide his pillow pressed hair. Grabbing his name tag and his bag he heads out the door towards work.   
  
When he walks into work Bambam is already there opening up a box of new inventory.   
  
“Oh. Wow. You didn’t even try today did you?” Bambam laughs gesturing towards Youngjae’s outfit.   
  
“Nope. Thank you for noticing.” Youngjae replies and flicks Bambam on the shoulder. “What did we get?”   
  
“Persona6!” Bambam excitedly shows Youngjae the box of games. Youngjae quickly snatches a copy from the box and places it on the back counter for him to purchase at close. He leans against the counter and laughs at Bambam gushing over the still images of gameplay on the back of the case. Looking at Bambam you would never take him as a gamer. He is always dressed well and carries himself so much differently than most gamers Youngjae has came across.   
When Bambam was first hired, Youngjae didn’t think he would be a good fit for the small game shop much less that they would become best friends.

Bambam has stopped talking and is staring at Youngjae impatiently. “Yeah?” Youngjae says with little confidence, he knows Bambam has caught him not paying attention.

“How can you just leave like that?” He asks tapping his finger on Youngjae’s temple.

“Lots of practice.” Youngjae shrugs.

The work day is slow but they know that will be short lived with the release of this new game the next day. Youngjae checks the schedule and smiles when he sees that he works the midnight release with Bambam and their boss Jinyoung. The three of them are all complete opposites but they are the closest thing Youngjae has as family.

After locking up the shop and saying goodbye to Bambam, Youngjae lingers in the parking lot. He knows he only has a few minutes before Jaeseop begins to question where he is at. Youngjae inhales the late summer air and smiles when he feels the slight crisp breeze of Fall making its way to town. His phone interrupts his thoughts with a beep. A timer he sets. The timer flashes   
  
 ** _GET HOME NOW_**

\---

Youngjae carefully closes the door, hoping the latch doesn’t make a noise like usual. Magically the latch is quiet and he leans against the door letting out a breath of relief. His bag falls to the floor with a soft thud and he runs his hand through his messy hair while he listens to the sounds of the house. He walks slowly to the living room and notices the TV is off and the couch empty. He smiles considering the fact that maybe Jaeseop decided to step out for drinks this evening and almost skips upstairs. He stops with his hand against the bedroom door frame at the sight of Jaeseop sitting on the edge of the bed.   
  
“Youngjae..” Jaeseop whispers harshly. “How do you manage to make every outing longer than most?”   
  
Youngjae thumbs the chipped paint on the door frame and searches for words to give to Jaeseop but doesn’t think fast enough. Jaeseop is up and in his face within seconds. Jaeseop’s fingers grips tightly at the back of Youngjae’s hair, pulling his face up to meet his.   
  
“Get in the bed, now.” growls Jaeseop with a quick shove of Youngjae’s head. Youngjae whines at the force of the push and at what will surely follow. He lays down on his back and pushes his head up against the headboard.   
  
“Undress, Youngjae.” Youngjae tightly closes his eyes but does has he is told. It's always easier to just do as told than to offer up any kind of fight. As much as Youngjae longs for touch and some sort of physical affection, he knows that Jaeseop won’t fulfill this for him. Their sex hasn’t been anything but a release for Jaeseop, the only thing he finds Youngjae still useful for. Jaeseop doesn’t even look him in the eyes, just unbuckles his belt and flips Youngjae over onto his stomach. In a moment of weakness Youngjae pleads to face forward so maybe he can find the love that once filled Jaeseop’s eyes but it's no use. Jaeseop doesn’t bother prepping Youngjae for his entry and quickly enters Youngjae with a deep thrust. Youngjae bites his lip from the pain so hard he is sure that he has drawn blood. Tears fill his eyes with each pump of Jaeseop’s hips. Youngjae refuses to let any tears fall so he escapes, like always. He closes his eyes and quietly whimpers while wishing he was just in that oversized chair across from that blonde boy. Jaeseop finishes quickly and leaves without saying anything to Youngjae. He lays on his stomach, eyes closed, still refusing to return.

He finally forces himself up off the bed and heads to the bathroom to clean up. Youngjae turns the shower on and slowly steps in, wincing at the lifting of his legs. He leans against the shower wall and runs the water as hot as his body can stand. Youngjae finally gives in and lets the tears fall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. Obviously I only write baby chapters. Trying to add a few into one to make them more appealing to read. Sorry!


	4. Close Encounters

Its 15 minutes until midnight and Youngjae sits on the counter at work watching the people line up outside for the game release. Bambam is double checking that they have plenty of games brought to the front and Jinyoung is busy trying to set up the barriers for the cash line.

Youngjae scoffs at the fact that Jinyoung waited this long to set them up and slides off to go help. “You have been here for hours and you are just now thinking its a good time to set these up?” Youngjae pokes at Jinyoung’s side.

Jinyoung fakes offense by opening his mouth and placing his hand to his chest before breaking into a laugh. “Youngjae-yah, you do know I’m in charge of your paycheck, correct?” Jinyoung says teasingly.

Youngjae shrugs at him and finishes the last barrier with a triumphant smile he boasts towards his boss. “Maybe if you would spend more time helping with the shop instead of in the backroom with Jaebum we wouldn’t always be scrambling!” Youngjae says walking back to the counter.

Bambam raises his eyebrows towards the both of them.

“I have no idea what you mean. No one is back there!” Jinyoung protests with a slight pout. As if he was summoned Jaebum strolls out from the back room running his fingers through his hair. A big smile spreads across his face, making his eyes fold into tiny moons.

Jinyoung fakes surprise at his arrival. “Jaebum! What are YOU doing HERE?”

Jaebum sighs. “Oh, Park Jinyoung, the great actor.” The four of them laugh and continue set up. Jaebum settles in next to Youngjae and nudges him.

“You do know its ME that is in charge of your paycheck, right?” Youngjae laughs and nods. Jaebum and Jinyoung’s relationship is something that Youngjae can only compare to something straight from all the books he reads. He can’t help but feel a ping of jealousy as he watches Jaebum lovingly remove a piece of tape stuck to Jinyoung’s bottom that must have been leftover from the inventory boxes.

“I can’t believe I’m the only one who actually dressed for this occasion!” Bambam exclaims and waves his hand around at his co-workers. “This IS an event you know?”

He says this matter of factly with a quick glance into the security camera to check his newly dyed silver hair. Surprisingly enough Bambam is dressed up more than usual. Dark tight pants, a lose maroon button up, black boots, and all topped with a tight black choker around his neck. Silver jewelry on his arms and his ears slightly jingle when he moves.

“Yeah, an event for gamers who stay inside all day. They don’t care what we look like. They just need their new game!” Jinyoung shrugs. “Let's open the doors.”

Youngjae groans as he heads to the register next to Bambam at his. Jinyoung and Jaebum walk to the door and unlock it. Gamers start pouring in and Jaebum is directing them to the line and telling them to mind the barriers. The next hour flies by as Youngjae barely even gets a second to think with as many transactions as he is punching out. Finally the line dies down and he has a moment to glance at the clock. He breathes a sigh of relief at the fact they only have to stay open for a few more minutes. That relief quickly changes to unhappiness when he realizes he will have to leave the comfort of his coworkers to go home to Jaeseop.

Five minutes until their closing time Jaebum heads towards the door to lock it but is stopped by a boy who is running towards the door. “Please, I won’t take long. I had to take the bus. I’m sorry!” the boy pleads with Jaebum who opens the door to let him in with a smile.

The boy quickly walks up to the counter and asks for the game. Bambam calls for Youngjae to take care of the transaction because he had already shut down his register. Youngjae snarls a bit at Bambam because he had just grabbed his bag and placed on his hat to head home but gives in at Bambam's pleading eyes.

“That’ll be $63.56 pl..” Youngjae stops mid sentence when he notices the boy from the library standing in front of him holding the new game to buy.

“Ah! Youngjae! We meet again!” The boy beams. They both hold their stares for a few seconds before the boy finally breaks and digs in his bag for his money. Youngjae smiles nervously, suddenly wishing he would have dressed better for this event like Bambam suggested. He packs up the game for the boy and slowly hands the bag to him, their fingers brushing during the exchange.

“Sorry, I didn’t get your name..” Youngjae softly mutters trying to ignore Bambams eyes piercing into the side of his face. He can feel his face flushing.

“Jackson. You never asked.” Jackson says with a pout that then turns into a smirk. “Are you still drawing strangers?”

Youngjae laughs nervously which always comes out louder than he wants. He hears Bambam snicker and immediately kicks him under the counter.

“The library hasn’t been very busy so I haven’t had many people to draw.” Jackson nods and adjusts his bag on his back. Glancing at the clock Youngjae can tell he is wanting to leave. This immediately sends Youngjae into an internal panic attack because he can’t believe he can’t manage a decent conversation with this boy.

“I have to catch the bus, I think I might have missed it actually.” Jackson looks towards the door.

“The bus has most likely come and gone by now but Youngjae is off shift now, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind giving you a lift home.” Jaebum says from the corner of the store.

Youngjae stares wide eyed at Jaebum and silently curses him in his head. Jackson is watching him and seems to be weighing his options.

“If you don’t mind, Youngjae, I could really use a lift. I have work in a few hours.” Jackson says gesturing to the time.

“Yeah, sure.” Youngjae reluctantly agrees. “Let me just go clock out.” He strolls back to the back room to rest his head against the rows of inventory shelves. Jinyoung steps out of the office and looks at him quizzically. Youngjae exhales the breath he didn't realizing he was holding and heads towards the store door, brushing off Jinyoung's hand on his arm. As he passes Jaebum, who is smirking while counting the drawer, he whispers,

"I hate you, Jaebum."

 

\----------/////—————

 

"Thanks again for the ride. I know its probably out of your way." Jackson smiles while fidgeting with the radio. He changes from station to station, checking for Youngjae's reaction to whatever song is playing. When he gets none he slowly leans back and rests his head against the window.

Youngjae sighs, knowing he is completely blowing this..whatever THIS is. He glances at the clock on the radio. It takes him 10 minutes to get home from work but Jackson lives across town and it'll take 20 minutes to drop him off and then another 30 to get back home.

Youngjae starts thinking of an excuse in his head. Youngjae jumps a bit when he feels Jackson's hand on his arm.

"Hey, are you okay? You can drop me off here, I can find a way home."

"No, its not that. I'm sorry. I'm just tired." Youngjae mutters, trying to force a smile at Jackson. The rest of the ride is quiet other than a few times Jackson sings a long to a song on the radio. Youngjae sneaks glances towards Jackson and notices his sharp, strong jaw. He smirks a bit thinking about how he has such a cute boy in the passenger side of his car and tries to remember the way his arm felt under the pressure of Jackson's fingers.

Jackson meets his eyes and hold them for a second before breaking into a big smile. "Mentally taking a picture of this handsome face so you can draw it later?" Jackson muses.

Youngjae laughs, loudly and shakes his head at Jackson. Youngjae still smiling thinks about how since the first day seeing Jackson in the library, his face has been etched in his mind, if only Jackson knew.

They pull up to a small house tucked behind a few curves of the street. When Youngjae parks he notices two boys sitting on the porch drinking. One looks older with dirty blonde hair and the other is tall and thin. Jackson motions for Youngjae to come say hi, so he nervously gets out of the car and walks up to the porch.

Jackson is leaning on the porch beam reaching out to grab a drink that the older boy is handing him. They smile when they pass the drink and Youngjae feels a tinge of jealousy.

"This is Mark. He is my best friend." Jackson points to the blonde. Youngjae smiles and nods at Mark, relieved that they are just friends. "That giant over there is Yugyeom. He is our roommate. He should not be drinking." Jackson grabs the bottle from Yugyeom's hand.

"Jackson! Seriously? I can have a drink." Yugyeom whines. Youngjae smiles at him while Yugyeom slightly stomps his feet in a whiny protest, completely proving he is much too young to handle a drink.

The four of them chat for a bit but Youngjae doesn't say much. He just appreciates their banter and chatter as he breathes in the night air. He wonders what it would be like to live in a situation so carefree as this.

Youngjae's thoughts are disturbed by his ringtone, piercing through his happiness. He checks, although he already knows who it is. Youngjae can feel Jackson's eyes on him as Youngjae struggles with what to do with the phone call. He finally silences it and waves it towards Jackson, signaling he needs to head home. He is almost to his car door when he feels a hand on his shoulder.

"Youngjae. Hey. Can we do this again?" Jackson asks running his fingers through his bleached hair.

Youngjae sighs and shakes his head at Jackson. Jackson seems surprised by this answer but reaches for Youngjae's phone anyways. He enters his number in to Youngjae's phone and hands it back to him. "You know, in case you change your mind." Jackson smiles and runs back to the porch and turns to wave Youngjae off.

Youngjae clips his seatbelt and sighs. He has been at Jackson's for over 40 minutes. This is going to be hard to explain to Jaeseop. He starts the car and rushes home, watching the clock and his phone light up every time Jaeseop calls.

 

\-----------/////———-

By the time Youngjae gets home Jaeseop has already passed out on the couch, bottle in hand. Youngjae sighs and removes the bottle from his grasp and takes it to the kitchen to pour out.

He glances around at how messy the kitchen is and decides to clean up quietly, tucking take out cartons into a trashbag and placing a few dishes in the dishwasher.

Pleased with his quick clean up, he sits down at the table, Jaeseops smooshed sleeping face in view, and questions how they ended up like this. He knows the answer, its his fault, but when will it stop? He places his phone on the table and glances at the few missed texts he has on his screen, two from Jaebum.

He checks them and catches his breath when he sees, "Youngjae-yah. Are you okay? Jaeseop called the store. I told him you were still cleaning up." and then "Let me know when you're home and if you're safe."

Youngjae smiles lightly and responds to Jaebum with a simple, "I'm okay."

  
Youngjae has never quite went into detail with his coworkers on what his homelife is like but he is aware of how much Jaebum has picked up on and is thankful that he doesn't press him for more information.

While looking through his phone he remembers Jackson putting his number into it. Smiling Youngjae clicks the new contact and stares at the number. 10 numbers. 10 numbers that are making his heart beat faster. His thumb hovers over the message button and he finally clicks it.

"This is Youngjae."

  
Youngjae taps his fingers on the table waiting for a response. When he doesn't get one he groans and stands up to head to bed. Grabbing his phone and a glass of water he heads up to his bedroom. He takes off his hat and tosses his phone on the bed.

He forces himself to washhis face and dries it, leaving the towel pressed up against his face and he lets out a groan into the fabric. Why was he so stupid? He barely avoided a huge blow up with Jaeseop, and for what? A night where he was a total asshole to a cute boy? No wonder Jackson isn't responding, why would he? Youngjae made is painfully obvious he wasn't interested even though he knows thats a lie. He throws the towel in the sink and slumps to his bed.

He flops down and tucks a pillow under his arm and reaches for his phone. There is a new message.

"Youngjae! I didn't think you would message me. I'm glad you did."

  
Youngjae smiles.

  
"Mm. I don't like to disappoint."

  
He cringes at his attempt to seem coy and immediately regrets sending that. He tucks his phone under his pillow and covers his face with his blanket, vowing to not check his messages because he is sure that Jackson will see through his act. Youngjae lets out an "Aiishhh" and checks his phone anyways.

  
"As if you could. Can I see you again?"

  
Youngjae gasps at the question and thinks carefully on how he should answer. Of course he wants to see Jackson again but what exactly would be the cost of that? Youngjae sighs knowing he can’t do this. It’s too messy. He locks his phone and throws it to the other side of the bed. He stares at the phone tucked away in messy blankets that have piled up on the empty side and how it bothers him that the bed he once shared with Jaeseop is now just a reminder of how alone he is. He sees the phone light up again and tries to ignore the urge to reach out and look. 

Youngjae counts to five just to show himself he does have a little restraint and then grabs the phone. 

“Library? I’ll be there tomorrow at 9am. Please be there?” 

Youngjae doesn’t respond but he does fall asleep to the memory of a beautiful blonde boy tucked away in a big brown chair. 


	5. Sweet Lullaby

Youngjae stands outside the door to the library wondering what the hell he actually thought he was doing. He never replied to Jackson telling him he would be there but that didn't stop Jackson from sending him the confirmation text of what time he would be waiting for him. Youngjae pulls out his phone and checks the time. He is 10 minutes past the time Jackson said he would be here and he leans against the brick of the old library wondering if Jackson had waited. Running a hand through his hair Youngjae swings open the door and walks in. The usual librarian is there and she gleefully smiles as Youngjae briskly walks past with a nod. Youngjae can barely focus on anything going on in the library and he actually runs into an older man, who he barely even stops to apologize to. Youngjae can't stop to focus because if he does he won't walk up those stairs and then up to that boy. He makes his way up the stairs hurriedly and then turns a corner sharply. He decides to go the long way around to his usual spot because this will be the easiest way to see if Jackson is still there, without him being noticed.   
  
As he gets closer to the area, Jackson comes into view. He is sitting in the big brown chair and keeps checking his phone. Youngjae stops behind a bookcase and peers through at Jackson. He is surprised to see the overly confident boy seems nervous and continuously checking if his hair is okay. " _It is_ ," Youngjae thinks to himself as he imagines what it would be like to run his fingers through the messy blonde locks. Jackson is dressed in a nice pair of fitted black jeans and a black tight jacket, Youngjae can see a bit of Jackson's collarbone peeking out of the top of the jacket where it hangs loosely open and this is enough to wake Youngjae up to the fact that there is no way this can happen. He pushes farther back into a corner of the bookcase and checks his phone. He has two missed calls from Jackson. Its now more than 30mins past the time Jackson asked him to show and he can see Jackson getting irritated by the minute. 

"What the hell, Youngjae?" Jinyoung abruptly asks, "Are you okay?"  
  
Youngjae jumps at the sound of Jinyoung's voice and the firm hand of Jaebeom's on his shoulder. He turns to them quickly, "What? What are you guys doing here?"   
  
Jinyoung laughs softly, the cute way he does where his eyes whisker out at their ends and points to a stack of books in Jaebeom's hands. "This might surprise you, Youngjae, but we are here to get books." Jaebeom laughs at this remark and slowly saunters away thumbing books as he walks by and then he stops. Youngjae already knows what Jaebeom has caught sight of and refuses to meet his eyes to confirm. He hears Jaebeom cluck and turn back to them.   
  
"Jinyoungie, maybe we should go ahead and get our things ready to go. I think you have found plenty to read." Jaebeom asks wrapping his arm around Jinyoung and staring a hole into Youngjae's head.   
  
"Uh, okay, but look at Youngjae-yah! He is practically sweating and looks like he is about to pass out." Jinyoung protests a little too loud.   
  
Youngjae tenses up when he hears it.   
  
"Youngjae?" Jackson asks.   
  
Youngjae sees the surprised look in Jinyoung's eyes and the amusement bouncing in Jaebeom's. He stiffly turns around and plasters a smile on, "Jackson, hi! Sorry I was late, I ran into my boss and got caught up." He points back to where the older couple stand and refuses to meet eyes with either of them.   
  
"Oh, well, I understand." Jackson laughs quietly. His voice sounds gruffer and deeper the more he tries to whisper. "I honestly thought maybe you stood me up."   
  
"Stood you up?! Youngjae did you leave Jaes--" Jinyoung tries to blurt out before Jaebeom tosses all the books to the ground. All three of the boys turn to face him and he leans down slowly to start picking them up.   
  
"Whoa, clumsy me, eh Jinyoungie? Why don't you help me with these?" Jaebeom gestures to the books and tries to signal Jinyoung to shut his mouth.   
  
Jinyoung looks at the pile of books and Jaebeom's pleading eyes. "Wow, really, and I'm the actor?" He mumbles to Jaebeom as he starts helping.   
  
Jackson says his goodbyes to the Hyungs and takes a hold of Youngjae's wrist to pull him over to the chairs. Youngjae's breathing hitches when he feels Jackson's firm grip wrap around his frail wrist. He hadn't noticed it but he has been losing weight and its beginning to show. He lets Jackson guide him to the chairs and he slumps in the one next to Jackson. Youngjae can barely pay attention to Jackson's story about work, he just keeps playing out every possible bad outcome this could have in his head.   
  
"Youngjae, are you even here?" Jackson asks. His tone has dropped and is more serious, something Youngjae hadn't heard yet. He meets Jackson's eyes and he can tell that he is somehow hurting Jackson. Jackson leans back into his chair with a sigh and rubs his eyes. They sit there in silence while Youngjae tries to think of anything to say. "Why come if you aren't interested?"   
  
This question startles Youngjae. Interested? How could Youngjae not be interested in this beautiful boy but better yet how could this boy be interested in him?   
  
"Its..its more complicated than that. I..I don't even really know you and I have a boyfriend." Youngjae stutters out quickly. Glancing over to see Jackson's reaction to the word "boyfriend." Jackson sighs and looks at his phone. He slaps the arms of the chair and pushes himself up in a huff. He reaches back behind the chair to grab his bag and swings it over his left arm loosely. He starts to head off but then quickly stops.   
  
"You know, you're right. You don't know me. I don't even know you but I wanted to. I'm not really sure what your plan was with any of this." He points to himself. Youngjae swallows back a reaction and refuses to meet Jackson's eyes. "If you have a boyfriend, then why are you here?"   
  
Jackson doesn't give Youngjae time to answer, even though he probably would have never gotten one. When Youngjae looks up Jackson is already half way down the stairs. Youngjae places his face in his hands and groans. Why did he come? What the hell is he doing?  
  
  
\----///------  
  
  
Jackson waits at the bottom of the stairs. He isn't sure why but he hopes maybe Youngjae will stop him and explain what is going on. Did Jackson read this situation completely wrong? Here he had thought that maybe Youngjae was just completely shy and maybe even a little innocent, but maybe this whole time it was just disinterest.   
  
Jackson glances around the library scanning the groups of people there until he finally sees what he wants, Youngjae's bosses. He makes his way through a few displays and finally gets to them. They both seem surprised and are nervously looking at each other and him.   
  
"Ah, Youngjae's friend. Is everything okay?" Jaebeom asks.   
  
"Actually, no. What is up with _YOUR_ friend?" Jackson spits out at them. Jinyoung raises his eyebrows and turns on his heel to head off in another direction while Jaebeom's eyes follow his leave with a sigh.   
  
"Hey, okay. Look..its.." Jaebeom rubs the back of his neck. "Youngjae is..in a difficult situation. One that I think someone..like you..could maybe give him a push but its really not my place to tell you any of it and honestly, even I don't know much. He won't talk about it."   
  
Jackson sighs and stares at Jaebeom who seems to be getting more uneasy by the minute. Jackson feels his guard breaking down and he rubs his eyes.   
  
"Just..just tell me that he isn't a jerk."  
  
Jaebeom laughs softly and shakes his head, "Youngjae, couldn't be mean even if he tried. Listen, he has walls up, and they are not going to come down easy..but they aren't indestructible. If you want to get to him, you are going to just have to start chipping. You can't just ram them down."   
  
"Oh my god, what is that? Did you read that in one of your self-help books, Jaebeomie?" Jinyoung appears behind Jaebeom scoffing. "Jackson? Is that it? If you like Youngjae then keep at it but don't push him too much at once. Also, if you hurt him, I will hurt you." Jinyoung tugs Jaebeom away as they head to check out. Jaebeom looks back and waves apologetically.   
  
Jackson glances at the time and sighs because he needs to head to the bus now. He takes one look back at the stairs and whispers,   
  
"What the hell am I doing?"   
  


 

\-----////-----------  
  
Youngjae quietly places their plates in the sink before sitting down across from Jaeseop at their small kitchen table. Youngjae runs his fingers over the cracked wood and smiles slightly at the memory of when they first found this table in a resale shop. It was their first purchase as a couple. They rarely use the table now for anything but storage or for Youngjae to sit at alone. Youngjae can feel Jaeseop's eyes on him and he glances up to meet them.   
  
"Did work go well, AJ?" Youngjae softly asks. Jaeseop holds his stare while taking a long sip of Soju. Youngjae glances at the sink and sees a couple more empty bottles have already been piled.   
  
"When do you get paid, Youngjae?" Jaeseop asks slightly slurring his words. "I don't know why you won't get a REAL job."   
  
Youngjae sighs and responds, "It is a real job, Jaeseop. I have a real chance at getting a supervisor position at this rate. Jinyoung says--" Jaeseop slams his hands on the table and pushes his chair out.   
  
"Jinyoung. _Jinyoung says_." Jaeseop mocks while walking to the couch. "Are you sucking Jinyoung's dick, Jae? Is that why you have a _real_ chance?" His voice goes into a high mimic when he says real.   
  
Youngjae turns in his chair to look at Jaeseop, shocked at this conversation. Youngjae shakes his head and stands up heading to collect the empty soju bottles for recycling the next morning.   
  
"Why? Why do you do that?" Youngjae asks, almost pleading for an answer. "Why do you accuse me of things like that?"   
  
Jaeseop laughs loudly and lays back on the couch. Adjusting his head so he can see Youngjae in the kitchen. "You know why. You said so yourself..I get to forgive you on my own time, on my own terms."   
  
Youngjae sighs and leans himself against the sink. Jaeseop was Youngjae's first real love. He had been a very insecure boy when they met and Jaeseop helped Youngjae move out from that. They had been through a lot, a lot of situations that maybe Youngjae should had left but how could he leave his first love, what if it was his only love? There had always been signs of Jaeseop's abuse but Youngjae was always able to justify and excuse it. It wasn't until Youngjae messed up two years ago though that Jaeseop really got bad. Youngjae knows what he did was wrong, but how long would he have to pay?  
  
"Jae! What the fuck is up with your phone? Its been going off since you've gotten home!" Jaeseop yells making Youngjae snap back to the present. Youngjae sighs and heads to the corner of the living room where he had hung his bag. He leans down to fish out his phone and is surprised to see a missed call and 2 texts from Jackson. "Who is it, Jae? Do I have to break your phone like I did your fucking computer?"   
  
Youngjae shakes his head and shoves his phone into his front pocket, "Its just my work schedule, Jaeseop. They have alerts for upcoming shifts." Youngjae waits to see if Jaeseop buys this and he seems to because he is now too involved in whatever game is on the tv. Youngjae quietly slips by and heads upstairs. He closes the door behind him and lays out on the bed. He thumbs through his messages and clicks on Jackson's thread.   
  
"Youngjae, I'm sorry. I just want to get to know you."   
  
Youngjae is surprised that Jackson would apologize when it was most definitely Youngjae being the ass. He clicks the next message.   
  
"I'm persistent. Some would even say annoying. I'm not giving up."   
  
Youngjae smiles and sends a simple message back.   
  
"Good luck. *wink face*"   
  
Youngjae laughs at Jackson's next response which is just an emoji of a flexing arm and plugs his phone in to charge. Its already late and he has to open in the morning.   
  
Youngjae thinks of all the ways that Jackson could be implemented into his life. Ways to be able to have an excuse to be around him. He then thinks maybe, just maybe, Jackson will be the one to save him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had all intentions of this chapter being way longer than this but I am trash and am sleepy. I start my new job in the AM so I suppose I shouldn't be up too late writing fanfic. 
> 
> I think I made Jackson come on too strong/too quick..but that will play out and be explained later..plus ITS JACKSON..I'm assuming he would be this hungry in real life too lol. 
> 
> Next chapter we will start getting into exactly what Youngjae did to set off Jaeseop. We will also get a closer look at Jinyoung's relationship with Jaebeom. 
> 
> And MAYYYYBE a new couple is coming into play. But I might save them for later. We will see.


	6. Untitled

"Oh look..another game about shooting things." Bambam huffs while lazily running the pricing gun over the new game. The loud click of the sticker machine makes Youngjae jump. "Didn't sleep well, Jae?"   
  
Youngjae frowns at Bambam because he can hear the teasing in Bam's voice as he annoyingly clicks the machine next to Youngjae's ear.   
  
"I slept fine, thank you."   
  
Youngjae had been at work since they opened and for some reason today he just felt on edge. He knew that it had a lot to do with the fact that the last few nights he had stayed up late texting Jackson and then every morning he would double check that he deleted all traces from his phone. What started out as a few texts here and there with Jackson had quickly turned into hour long conversations that really were starting to take a toll on Youngjae's sleep schedule. He noticed the lack of sleep was wearing on him when even Jaebeom commented on how tired Youngjae looked when he arrived to work.  
  
"Jae, lets go out tonight. Its Friday and somehow..SOMEHOW..neither of us open tomorrow." Bam pleads with Youngjae, slightly tugging on his hoodie sleeve. Youngjae groans.   
  
"Oh, and I"ll tell Jaeseop what exactly?"   
  
"That you're going out? With a friend? Like..thats a normal thing, Jae."   
  
Youngjae frowns and refuses to meet Bam's eyes. He sometimes forgets that his relationship with Jaeseop isn't normal and that not everyone knows the extent of his suffering.   
  
"Okay, yeah I will-" Youngjae starts to reply to Bam but Bam is already yelling and slapping him in the arm.  
  
"Look at this boy coming in! OMG, Hyung, he is sooooo tall!"   
  
Youngjae rolls his eyes at Bam and turns to face the store door to see what has Bam so excited. His eyes widen, not because of the tall boy who just entered into the store, but because of the smaller one that follows. Jackson is trailing behind his roommate looking a little nervous to be there.   
  
"Youngjae!" exclaims Jackson's roommate, "Wow, you're here..what an ABSOLUTE coincidence" he can barely contain his giggles but quickly stops when he see's Bam.   
  
Youngjae smiles shyly, trying to remember his name but can only really focus on Jackson in front of him. He is wearing fitted athletic pants that seem to be hugging his thighs, stretched a little thin in the inner thigh. Paired with a loose tank top thats sleeveless and shows off bits of his sides when he moves. His hair is messy and he keeps pushing it back with his hands. Youngjae keeps looking from his hands to his thighs..hands to thighs..hands to thighs..he can't help but think what his hands would feel like in both.   
  
"Youngjae, hey, wasn't sure if you were working today or not.." Jackson smiles at him. This makes Youngjae laugh a little more loudly than he wanted to and he replies coyly.  
  
"Hyung, I'm pretty sure I told you I was working today so.."   
  
This comment makes Jackson blush a bit and makes his roommate burst into another fit of giggles.   
  
Bambam had been quietly listening to the conversation and Youngjae could tell he was just DYING to be involved.   
  
"This is my friend, Bambam." Youngjae waved his hang back towards Bam. Bam snarls his nose a bit at the very bland introduction but walks over to the group and waves shyly. Youngjae is taken back a bit by the fact that his usually loud friend, is now blushing and shy.   
  
"Hey, I'm Yugyeom. This is my roommate Jackson." Yugyeom, Youngjae mentally reminds himself to remember this information this time, introduces himself directly to Bam. He reaches out to shake Bam's hand and holds eye contact.   
  
Once Yugyeom's hand hits Bam's that's it. Bam is completely red and giggling like a maniac. Youngjae can't help but make a slightly disgusted face at Bam for being so ridiculous. Jackson sees Youngjae's reaction and laughs. He reaches out and pushes Youngjae playfully  
  
"Lets let this lovebirds talk then?" He gestures to the counter and walks over but not before slightly tugging Youngjae by his sleeve. Youngjae follows and he realizes now that he must look exactly how Bam looks.   
  
"Hey, I know I should have just text you but you kind of go radio silent unless its like after 11pm"   
  
Youngjae sighs.  
  
"I know, I'm sorry. I just get busy with..stuff."   
  
"Your boyfriend?" Jackson asks without making eye contact.   
  
"Sure."   
  
Jackson huffs a bit and then seems to give up on whatever original route the conversation was going to go. Youngjae is surprised by how easily Jackson can tell when Youngjae shuts down.   
  
"Okay, well, we are going to karaoke tonight. And..I'd really like you to join."   
  
Youngjae leans his back against the counter and is highly aware that his shoulder is touching Jackson's. Youngjae wants to tell Jackson yes but he also knows that if he does he will have to endure hell when he gets home. He watches Bam and Yugyeom exchange numbers and realizes that Bam was most likely invited as well. He is slightly jealous of Bam in the moment because Bam gets to be carefree. He almost gets lost completely in thought except he can feel Jackson's eyes on him. Youngjae slightly turns to look at Jackson and they are the closest they have ever been. Youngjae can hear Jackson's nervous breathing and see the uncertainty in his eyes flicker.   
  
This is something Youngjae hasn't seen before. To be looked at with eyes that are kind and eyes that want nothing more than his company. Youngjae struggles to meet Jackson's eyes once more and when he does he simply nods his head.   
  
  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Bam was supposed to pick up Youngjae from his house 30 minutes ago and still hasn't showed up.   
  
"Bam? Where are you? Jaeseop will be home soon..I really need to leave before..before okay?" Youngjae pleads into the phone. This is the second voicemail he left Bam.   
  
Youngjae waits at the kitchen table where he has perfect view through the front window. He can easily see when someone pulls up into the driveway. A car finally pulls up and Youngjae jumps up to grab his wallet and keys. He throws on his favorite jacket and checks himself in the mirror one last time. He did his best to not overdress with a fitted dark sweater pulled over a button down, fitted jeans that rolled at the ends, and his pushed his back even though bits still tossled down in front of his eyes. He opened the door expecting to find Bam but instead finds Jackson.   
  
"Jackson? What..what are you doing here?" Youngjae asks hurridly. Looking around Jackson and peering down the street to see if any other cars were coming.  
  
Jackson smiles at Youngjae.   
  
"I'm picking you up. Bam wanted to ride with Yugy so I lost my seat in the car. He gave me your address. He also told me he told you that I'd be here..and I'm guessing he failed to mention that detail."   
  
"Yeah, he must have forgot.." Youngjae rolls his eyes.   
  
Jackson motions towards his car and Youngjae nervously locks his front door and hurries to the car. Jackson reaches to open the door for him but Youngjae has already got his hand on the door and rushing to get inside. Jackson raises his eyebrows and chuckles a bit to himself. Youngjae hopes its not apparent that he is trying to rush Jackson but Jaeseop should be home any minute. Jackson fumbles with the radio for a bit and finally settles on turning it off completely. Once they have backed out of the driveway and have started towards the stop sign, Youngjae sees Jaeseop turning onto their street. As they pass by, Youngjae can't help but slide down in his seat a little.   
  
Jackson sucks through his teeth a bit "Was that him?"  
  
Youngjae nods and reaches out to turn the radio on. Jackson's hand stops his.  
  
"Why won't you talk about your boyfriend?" Jackson asks. His eyes stay forward on the road. Youngjae groans.   
  
"Why do you want to talk about my boyfriend?"   
  
Jackson turns to Youngjae a bit, trying to stay focused on the road, "Because. BECAUSE. Why wouldn't.." then he stops. Youngjae frowns and starts to apologize for the attitude in his question. Why wouldn't Jackson want to know whats going on?   
  
"Look, its complicated. I told you that. I could tell you everything but its really not worth the trouble. I'm not worth the trouble."   
  
Jackson sighs and pulls over.   
  
"Youngjae, I don't know how much more I need to spell it out for you that I'm interested in you but you refuse to let me in at all. I don't like that you have a boyfriend, it makes me feel..guilty?" Jackson softly says while reaching out to touch Youngjae's sleeve. He hesitates before he rests his hand softly there. "I'm not a homewrecker. I don't..do this. I need to know what the situation is."   
  
Youngjae nods slowly, focusing on the heat that Jackson's hand has caused on his arm.   
  
"Okay. But not tonight?"   
  
Jackson frowns at Youngjae. Begging to meet eyes. Youngjae can't bare to though because he is already so close in completely tearing down the walls he tries to desperately build between him and Jackson. He feels Jackson waiting for some kind of reassurance but he refuses to let himself give Jackson that. He can't.   
  
Jackson sighs and pulls back onto the road. The rest of the ride is tense and quiet. He can feel Jackson glancing at him here and there but he acts like he doesn't notice.   
  
  
___________________________________________________________--  
  
  
Karaoke was fun. The ride to the bar was more tense than Youngjae had planned but when Jackson and him arrived at the bar the tension seemed to air out. Everyone had a great time, especially Yugyeom and Bam. Youngjae couldn't help but laugh at the sight of Bam draped across Yugyeom by the end of the night, both of them drunkingly yelling ballads into the microphone. They were such a loud and long legged tangled mess. Youngjae couldn't help but smile at them.   
  
Youngjae was nursing his third beer. He wasn't sure if that was the smartest idea but he needed it to make it through the night and through the urge to check the 80 notifications his phone kept spurting at him. He knew they were from Jaeseop so he was purposely avoiding them. Youngjae knew that if he opened one and saw the words all courage that he had to stay out and have fun would be washed away in a second.   
  
Jackson stayed close to Youngjae. Every so often he would place his hand in the small of Youngjae's back when they shared a laugh or he would hold Youngjae's beer when Youngjae took the mic. Youngjae felt like he had sang at least 15 more songs than anyone else, but everyone just let him sing his heart out. There were a few moments where his eyes would meet Jackson's over the microphone and he could almost feel the want dripping from Jackson's mouth. This made Youngjae feel sexy..something he hadn't felt in years. Every song, Youngjae got bolder, moving his body and closing his eyes only to open them and hold Jackson's gaze.   
  
By his 6th beer Youngjae was in Jackson's lap. Jackson didn't seem to mind but he also seemed hesitant. This irritated Youngjae. Jackson has been so persistent in talking with and being around Youngjae..now here was his chance. Here he was drunk and practically bouncing on his dick and Jackson wasn't even taking advantage of the situation. Youngjae couldn't help but want to touch Jackson. The lights in the bar flickered off of the sweat that rested on the deep grooves of Jackson's collarbone. His shirt was loosely buttoned and every time he moved Youngjae could get a small glimpse at what was inside. Jackson's hair was sticky to his forehead and his eyes seemed sleepy from the few drinks he had but his hands were strong around Youngjae's hips.   
  
"Hyung, why haven't you kissed me?" Youngjae giggled towards Jackson. Jackson raised his eyebrows and slowly reached over to pull the drink from Youngjae's hand.   
  
"Not like this."   
  
Youngjae quickly stands and makes his way to Bam and Yugyeom. They are still intertwined and Youngjae is almost positive Bam has his hand shoved down Yugyeom's tight jeans. Youngjae glares at them and then back at Jackson, who is watching him with worried eyes. Youngjae marches back over.  
  
"Just take me home, Jackson."   
  
  


\--------------------------------------------------------------

 

"Youngjae, I'm sorry if I upset you. Its not..its not that I didn't...listen I'm glad you came out tonight. I want to see you again."   
  
They are outside Youngjae's house in Jackson's car. Youngjae is too drunk and upset to really understand that only a thin wall stands in between him and Jackson and Jaeseop.   
  
"Its fine, Jackson." Youngjae can hear the edge on his response and sighs immediately and softens "Its fine.."   
  
"Look..I really want---" Youngjae didn't get to hear what Jackson was about to say because just then his door is flung open and he is being yanked out of the car.   
  
Youngjae goes limp and barely even reacts. He hears Jaeseop accusing him of things and hears Jackson yelling too.   
  
At some point during the yelling he is slung back towards the house and he just slumps down to his knees. He looks up to see Jaeseop threatening Jackson and Jackson reaching out to him to check on him. Youngjae sighs and pulls himself up and pulls on Jaeseop.   
  
"Jaeseop, its okay..its nothing. Lets go to bed" Youngjae whines and pouts his lips a bit. Trying his best to attract Jaeseop away from Jackson.   
  
Jackson scoffs a bit at Youngjae's comments.   
  
"Youngjae-yah, get inside and get in bed. I will be there soon."   
  
Youngjae shrugs to Jackson, "Oh, look, I'm wanted.." and heads inside.   
  
He heads up to the room and peels off his clothes. He can still hear arguing outside but then shortly he hears a car door slam and the sound of Jackson driving off. He walks to the bathroom and starts to wash his face.   
  
The warm water helps the pounding of the alcohol ease for a moment. When he turns back to the bed there is Jaeseop.   
  
"Jaeseop, its not--" Jaeseop doesn't let Youngjae finish. His fingers twist around Youngjae's throat and Youngjae shuts his eyes tight waiting for what will come next.   
  
  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
The next morning Youngjae wakes up to a message from Jackson.   
  
"Jae? Are you okay? What the hell was that?"   
  
Youngjae throws his phone down and winces at the light shining through the window. He rolls over to try to go back to sleep but notices the dried splatter on the pillows. He reaches slowly towards his nose and can feel dried blood there as well.   
  
He can't tell if its from his nose or from his mouth. He doesn't care either.   
  
He closes his eyes and falls back to sleep thinking of the way Jackson's hands felt on his hips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, Jackson has his first runin with Jaeseop. 
> 
> Next chapter we will finally get to know why Youngjae blames himself for the way Jaeseop is. And Jackson finally gets to see just how bad Youngjae is struggling. 
> 
> There will be more developments with Yugbam. 
> 
> Sorry this chapter was so rushed. I really wanted to update and needed some filler to get me to where I want to really start story-telling.


	7. Untitled

The coffee shop was quiet and the barista was still busy setting up for the first of the morning rush. Youngjae had texted Jackson to meet him here but decided to show up earlier so he could try to gather his thoughts together. He smiled at the barista and asked for a hot coco and carried the cup to a small booth in the back. Once settled into the booth Youngjae pulled out his phone and opened his camera to check his reflection. There didn't seem to be any bruising but his lip was busted. The two layers of concealer on his lips didn't cover much and now has just piled up cakey and cracking. Youngjae sighs and reaches for a napkin under his drink and wipes away at the makeup. When he is done he is left with ruby red lips and he isn't sure which look was worse. Frustrated he throws his phone down and takes a sip of his drink. He glances towards the door waiting for Jackson and wondering how he is going to explain this. He had never opened up to anyone about Jaeseop..well, except Woozi..but that was a long time ago.   
  
"Jae.." Jackson wasn't even completely in the cafe yet and was already calling out to Youngjae, a big smile plastering his face. The smile quickly faded when he got closer to Youngjae and he immediately sat down next to him. Youngjae smiled softly trying to not relish in the emotions that were bouncing in Jackson's eyes. Jackson reached out..hesitantly..and touched Youngjae's bottom lip, "Are you hurt anywhere else?"  
  
Youngjae flinches at Jackson's touch and Jackson immediately retracts and moves to the seat across from him. "No, I don't think so.." he says.   
  
"Youngjae, I..you can't go back to him. Is this normal?" Jackson asked searching for answers Youngjae wasn't ready to give.   
  
"He's not always physical..or at least to that extent. Sometimes there might be a wrist clamp or a collar grab..or sex when I don't want to..but he usually keeps his ways to emotional abuse than physical." Youngjae surprises himself by everything he had just blurted out. He had never really thought much about if he was abused or not but now..these words spilling out..he realizes that he is.   
  
"Okay, well, any abuse is not okay. Why don't you leave? Are you scared? Why haven't you went to anyone?"  
  
"I think..there's more to it than one answer, Jackson." Youngjae pauses to take a sip of his drink. "Jaeseop was my first love. My first openly gay relationship. My first pathway into making friends and going to events and just being a normal person instead of a shy anxiety filled kid. He wasn't bad at first. Maybe a little distant and cold at times..but he loved me. I had never been loved."   
  
Jackson sighs loudly and runs his hair through his blonde hair. Youngjae purses his lips and continues.   
  
"He was a very faithful boyfriend and he was really my best friend. Once we left for college though he had more opportunities and I tied him down. Just me and only me wasn't going to be enough for him. I excused this behavior because I thought it was normal...even though I never found myself needing to experience anything else other than him. Eventually though his new experiences were much more important than me and that left me alone. I was alone, no friends outside of his group, and I had given up my dream to follow his. I gained weight, started drinking a lot, and spending most of my time in PC cafes."   
  
Jackson nods and leans forward closer to Youngjae.   
  
"Anyways..I started playing this MMO and I started making friends there. Online friends. Which Jaeseop thought was immature and embarrassing but I was happy. In the group there was a boy, Woozi, we bonded quickly over our shared interests..mainly writing music. We started sharing our music with each other. It was the first time in years I had the desire to play music again. I never intended to have feelings for him..but it happened. Innocent flirting quickly turned to us texting all day and all night..then we started sharing photos..just normal daily selfies but then eventually I think we both got brave and started sharing..more intimate things. Our texts turned more intimate as well. I was cheating on Jaeseop"   
  
Jackson clears his throat, "Jae..you weren't though..he was "experiencing" Youngjae smiled at Jackson and continued.   
  
"I get that..but that was our agreement. He could explore and I would wait. Woozi and I had planned to meet up and I was so excited. Not just because of romantic reasons but because I was just ready for a real in person connection with someone..anyone. I came home from class and found Jaeseop at my computer. He had went through all the logs..saw all the photos. He was furious and he was crying. Which surprised me. He yelled at me and started ripping away at cords on my computer. Slamming the keyboard on the ground..throwing the monitor..my computer was shattered. He wasn't done though..my keyboard went next. The whole night was spent watching him tear up everything I loved..and I missed my meeting with Woozi. I couldn't even call him or contact him to tell him I wouldn't be there. Jaeseop was on a rampage and every electronic was out the window."   
  
"Okay..but..I don't understand.."   
  
"No one would. That's why no one knows. My relationship with Jaeseop since then has simply been me just trying to make up for the betrayal. I don't know why I stay. I think maybe I hope eventually when he thinks I'm punished enough he will go back to the guy I first met. I just didn't mean for it to go on this long. It doesn't make sense. I know it doesn't. I mean..I didn't know until now..saying all this out loud..I am fully aware it doesn't make sense and it seems so dumb..but I don't know who I am without Jaeseop because I have never been anything without him."   
  
Jackson reaches out and places his hand over Youngjae's, "Listen, you are so much more than who you are with Jaeseop. You felt that..you felt the REAL you when you were with Woozi..and I think you feel it with me."   
  
Youngjae's breathing hitches and he can't help but tear up. He isn't sure if the tears are swelling because he has just come to terms with the life he has chosen for himself, the mention of Woozi, or the fact that Jackson is here with him.   
  
"I do feel it with you. But I can't.  Or I don't know how."   
  
"We will figure it out, Jae. I promise. But we need to get you out of there."   
  
\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
With some support and coercing from Jackson, Youngjae decided he was going to leave Jaeseop. He had tried to get out before Jaeseop arrived home from work but timing was never a strong suit for Youngjae. Jaeseop walked in and saw Youngjae filling up bags and he knew right away what was happening. Jaeseop was eerily calm and just rolled his eyes before retreating to the sofa to watch his shows and nurse a beer. Youngjae quickly but quietly gathered everything that he needed..which wasn't much not to mention..he didn't have much to begin with. Youngjae thought he was in the clear but as soon as his hand reached for the door a lamp smashed against the wall right next to Youngjae's head. Then a remote, books, and more. Jaeseop was screaming and Youngjae was too. Youngjae just kept yelling, "I can't do this. You can't do this. PLEASE. Let me go."   
  
By the time Youngjae was outside and placing his luggage in Jaebeom's car his voice was hoarse and his eyes swollen. Jaebeom didn't ask any questions. He simply hummed something that sounded like a lullaby while holding tightly on to Youngjae's hand as he drove. Usually the touch of someone made Youngjae sick to his stomach but at that moment Jaebeom's touch was comforting and felt like home.   
  
They arrived to Jaebeom and Jinyoung's condo and Jaebeom carried in Youngjae's bags. Jinyoung was busy puttering around the house explaining where things were and "Oh, towels..I should get you a towel..JAEBEOMIE THE TOWELS!" Youngjae couldn't help but laugh a little at the obvious nervousness and franticness of Jinyoung. Jinyoung was very type A and liked to have things organized and everything planned out..so I'm sure a random young boy showing up to sleep in his guest room wasn't something he had planned for. He was actually surprised when Jaebeom had called and told him he would be picking him up. He hadn't told anyone anything yet..but obviously Jackson had been busy explaining and making arrangements.   
  
Jaebeom appeared from the hallway with a towel in his hand. He tossed it to Youngjae but it was quickly intercepted by Jinyoung, "Honestly, we have nicer towels than this, Jaebeom."   
  
Youngjae and Jaebeom share a quick look and both laugh. "Jinyoung, its okay. I'm..I'm sorry though..I know this is probably not how you want to spend your day. You won't even know I'm here and I will find proper housing as fast as I can.."   
  
"Not on the pay we give you," Jaebeom laughs loudly. There's a clicking of Jinyoung's tongue before he walks over to Youngjae and wraps his arms around him.   
  
"Youngjae, please. This isn't a problem at all. We are happy to have you here and for however long you need..I just..why didn't you tell us?"   
  
"I don't know..I was lying to myself too." Youngjae's voice breaks briefly.   
  
Jinyoung and Jaebeom both smile weakly at each other and then Youngjae.   
  
"Come on..lets go see your room." Jinyoung tugs at Youngjae's sleeve.  
  
  
________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Youngjae had settled in pretty easily. He enjoyed mornings with Jinyoung and Jaebeom and evenings too. He loved seeing the two of them together but it was also painful because it made him wonder if he had missed his chance on something like that while waiting for Jaeseop to forgive him and change.   
  
It had been a few weeks and Youngjae was finally completely unpacking his things to settle in more permanently with JJP. He hadn't heard much from Jackson but tried not to read too much into it.   
  
He was folding shirts while listening to music when there was a knock at his bedroom door. Youngjae slowly placed down the shirt because Jinyoung and Jaebeom definitely don't know the art of knocking. Opening the door he can't help but smile when he sees Jackson.   
  
"Jae!" Jackson exclaims wrapping his arms around Youngjae tightly.   
  
"Hey, I was beginning to wonder if you disappeared.."  
  
Jackson smiles at Youngjae and whispers in his ear, "Nope..just working overtime so I could give you..." He leans back out into the hall and struggles for a minute before popping back into the door with a keyboard, "THIS!"   
  
"Jackson! What? You didn't have to do this.." Youngjae feels his eyes tearing up and reaches out to grab Jackson's arm. Jackson and him both act surprised by his first effort at being affectionate towards Jackson.   
  
"I know. But I wanted to." Jackson carries the keyboard over to a desk in the corner of the room. He sets it up and then turns to Youngjae, "Go ahead."  
  
Youngjae blushes but he can't help but want to place his hands on the keys. He lingers over the keyboard for a moment, smiling, and just appreciating the attention Jackson is giving him at the moment. He starts to play a slow melody and soon his fingers are flying over the keys, his eyes have shut, and everything is gone. When he finishes he opens his eyes and see's Jackson gaping at him.   
  
"JAE! Wow! That was beautiful..you are beautiful." Jackson voice trails off at the end.   
  
"Jackson, I don't know how to do this. Or if I even can. What if I'm too messed up?"   
  
Jackson sighs and walks over to Youngjae, wrapping his arms around him, "We will figure it out, okay? Just let me in.."   
  
Youngjae nods softly and rests his head against Jackson's chest, "Just be patient with me?"   
  
Jackson softly kisses Youngjae in his hair, "I promise."   
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for such a short chapter but I'm just kind of trying to get to point A to point B to really get to the stuff I'm excited to write about. 
> 
> Also, I'm fully aware that it would have to be Jacky to rest his head on Youngjae's chest..but just pretend in this story Jacky is taller or at least is wearing his tall shoes LOL

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry if formatting or whatever is off. I don't know how to build these things because I'm trash. Also, short chapter but its just a starter.


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